"I Want It Now!"

So we know that dementia leads to increased impatience and irritability. Yesterday Grandma used those characteristics to do a pretty impressive Veruca Salt impression.

"We don't have any ginger ale?"
"No, we ran out."
"I want ginger ale."
"We don't have any. Dad's bringing some by tomorrow."
"I don't want it tomorrow, I want it now!"

Luckily I was able to placate Veruca with some ginger iced tea.


Things Aunt Dee Has Stolen:
Towels
Remote Control

Good Morning, Sunshine!

We all know that Grandma does not like to be woken up, and now her new aide is learning quickly, too!

She walked in this morning and Grandma was still lounging in bed, where she had stayed for the majority of the weekend.
"Good morning, how do you feel today?"
"I don't need you! Who sent you?"

Grandma also seems to be channeling Greta Garbo. "I just want to be left alone" is her new catchphrase.

Things Aunt Dee Steals:
A walker (that Grandma never actually had)
Stuff (You know, just in general. Grandma said she came and took "stuff")

Big Day

Yesterday was a long day for Grandma, full of shenanigans.

I was away last week so my dad stayed over to keep an eye on her. Grandma's still limping, but now it's on her left side. We suspect that she was overcompensating from when she hurt the right side, and now she's pulled something on the left. Grandma, however, is sticking to her story that she swung on the gate and fell.

We took her to the doctor to get this checked out. I know she's hurting because she is actually using her cane. She has had the cane for nearly a year. Whenever I told her to use it she'd say, "I don't need it. I won't fall. I can just lean on the wall." She also keeps saying, "Oh golly!" and holding her back. Grandma is not one to complain, unless it is about someone using too much electricity.

So, Aunt Ellie and I take her to her doctor. The nurse practitioner reads her the riot act about how she doesn't eat enough and is messing up her medications. Grandma seems puzzled by this. "I lost that much weight? Oh, you're right. I need to eat more." When I tell her the same things? "Yeah, yeah, I know!"

The nurse has Grandma walk and thinks that nothing is broken because she can put weight on her feet. But, she and the doctor call in x-rays just to be sure. And here is maybe the highlight of our day. The doctor stops in to the examination room to say hello. Grandma starts giggling!
"Oh, hi Dr. R."
"How are you feeling?"
"Oh, my back is bothering me." (I think she's blushing!)
"You need to eat more, you're wasting away!"
"Oh, yeah, you're right." (more giggles!)

I think Grandma has a crush on her doctor! She doesn't giggle when I tell her to eat! Her response to me and my dad is usually along the lines of rolling her eyes or, "I don't like people telling me what to do!" If she's feeling extra feisty she might try to kick us. Definitely no giggles.

The x-ray results are supposed to be called into Dr. R. this afternoon and then he is going to call us. I hope he calls personally so I can watch Grandma blush and giggle some more.


Things Aunt Dee has Stolen:
Fitted sheets. All of them.

Never Heard of It! Volume 6

Until five or six years ago, Grandma still had her car and was able to go out into the world as she pleased. However, with all the things she's never heard of, you'd think she was some kind of Rip Van Winkle abruptly tossed into the 21st century.

Here's the latest round of things she's never heard of:

Grape tomatoes - although they are quickly becoming a favorite snack for her.

Italian Wedding soup - I'm trying to widen her soup repertoire, but this can has been rejected and sits forlornly on the shelf. The only time Grandma pays any attention to it is to say, "Italian wedding soup? Never heard of it!"

Whole grain bread - I bought a loaf at the bakery full of sunflower seeds and other goodness. Grandma was suspicious because it wasn't sliced. "I usually buy sliced bread. It's got seeds? Never heard of it!" After the loaf was gone, with Grandma eating at least 2/3 of it, "We need more bread. Get white bread this time. I didn't care for that last one." What? Then why'd you eat all my bread?! Freshie.

Double wrappings of bread - When Grandma opened the new bag of bread, she found it wrapped inside as well. "A wrapping inside? Never heard of that!"


The Wicked shade of nail polish - I was sitting at the kitchen table touching up my favorite winter shade - Wicked by Essie. "What color is that?"
"Wicked."
"Never heard of that!"
"Don't I look like an evil queen with it?" (Which is exactly why I love to wear it so much. It makes me want to drum my nails as if I'm pondering the intricate details of some nefarious plot).
"Well, it sure is dark. I never saw such a color!"





Don't think that all the bad weather has kept Aunt Dee from making her rounds of thieving!

Things Aunt Dee Steals:
Pills
Weekly Pill Box

Grandma's medications have been her focus lately. She's been messing up her doses or forgetting them all together. I find untaken pills all over the house. Even with the weekly pill organizer Grandma wouldn't take the proper amounts on the proper days. So, at Aunt Dee and my dad's suggestion, I've hidden the pills and the pill box. I leave out her day's doses in the morning before I go to work, but even this is getting confusing to Grandma. With her vitamins and supplements, she takes nearly a dozen things a day and frequently doesn't finish everything. So, then she finds the leftover pills and the new set and various combinations in between and doesn't know what she's taken or not. She insists that the problem is that Aunt Dee took her pill box, so I let Aunt Dee take the fall.

'Tis the Season!

I bought a wreath for our door, to which Grandma said, "Isn't that lovely." I told her that we'd decorate for Christmas over the weekend and she said, "I have to find all my ornaments and decorations. I used to have a lot of nice ones from my mother. Aunt Dee took them."

"When did she take them, Grandma?"

"You know, over the years."

Lifelong criminal, that Aunt Dee.

A Typical Exchange

"Are they taking out the garbage tomorrow or are they only picking up once a week?"

"It's Tuesday. They pick up today and Friday."

"I thought they were changing it to once a week."

"No."

"Are they picking up tomorrow?"

"It's Tuesday, they already picked up the garbage."

"Then why am I reading Monday's paper? Where's Tuesday's?"

"I don't know. I saw the papers this morning when I left."

"Maybe Aunt Dee took it....."

We also went over garbage pick-up days four times yesterday.

Recipe Swipe

I made a batch of turkey tacos on Monday. This is a bit too spicy (ethnic) for Grandma's palate, so I've had the leftovers all for myself. This means that every time I've heated them up we've had some variation of this conversation:

"What are you making?"
"Turkey tacos."
"What's a taco? Never heard of it!"

My favorite might have been tonight's, "I wouldn't know anything about tacos."

Then she spotted the apple pie my mom sent down. "Oh, what a nice pie. My mother used to make wonderful pies."
"What kind of pies?"
"Apple or lemon meringue, I'd help peel the apples or stir the lemon pudding on the stove. Or she'd make strudels or cakes. I used to have a lot of good recipes from her."
"What happened to them, Grandma?"
"Yeah, I wonder what happened to them....They must have just walked out of here."

What happened next was kind of funny. Naturally, Grandma's first instinct is to blame Aunt Dee for the missing recipes. With her track record of thievery, who wouldn't? But, Grandma seems to remember that Aunt Dee doesn't cook. So now she tries to reconcile these two facts in her brain. She works through it by mumbling to herself, "She don't cook, why would she take them? Oooooh, I think she said her husband cooks. I bet she took them for him! I'm gonna ask him how he likes my recipes. Ha!"

Case closed!

A New Tactic

Lately I've been feeling a little guilty for getting impatient with Grandma. Today I came up with a new strategy that, if nothing else, amuses me and keeps me in better spirits.

My dad and I are in the living room when Grandma stomps out of the bathroom. She's at the beginning of one of her usual rants, "When I get more energy I'm gonna go out and buy a new bath mat. I used to have a real nice one and..."

And this is one my brilliant idea hits. I interrupt her. "What happened to your bath mat, Grandma?"

I've cut her off mid-rant, so she is a little disoriented. "What? I didn't hear you."

Out of the corner of my eye I can see my dad cracking up. I try to maintain my composure. I say it again, extra sweetly and innocently, "I said, 'What happened to your bath mat, Grandma?'"

"My darling daughter took it!" Dad and I are in complete hysterics! "She comes in! She sees something she wants, she takes it! I don't mind if she borrows it, but bring it back!"

Grandma sees us laughing. I'm sure she has know idea why we are, but she starts laughing too. My dad asks her, "What else has Dee been taking?"

"Oh, I can't even remember all the things..."

Funny you should mention that Grandma, I just might have a record of stolen items....

"Where Are Your Slippers?"

As we saw in Grandma's Greatest Hits, Grandma does not approve of bare feet, even in the comfort of your own home. She is always wearing slippers. Slippers were always a good go-to Christmas gift for her, so she should have at least a dozen pairs around the house. Lately though, she has been wearing these raggedy plastic Chinatown slippers. They're falling apart and don't even seem to fit Grandma, especially when she has socks on. I don't know where she found these. If I didn't know better, I would suspect she pulled them from someone's trash off the curb. Clearly Aunt Dee must have taken all of her higher quality slippers!

Grandma is in luck though! A friend of mine has had some slipper mishaps of her own. The company keeps sending her the wrong size, but said she could keep the extra pairs. Knowing how much Grandma loves slippers, she very generously offered a pair to Grandma. These things look like the Cadillac of slippers! Grandma is going to freak when she gets these little booties! Once we have the new slippers, I'll be throwing away the ratty Chinatown ones. I'll just say Aunt Dee took them.

Say Cheese!

Here's a fun new trend in the house. I've been finding half-opened slices of American cheese that Grandma is leaving around. One was by the stove. Maybe she thought about adding it to whatever she was making? That almost makes sense. But, the second piece of cheese, this one defies all logic. The second abandoned slice was in the paper tray of my printer. What the what? How? Why? What?

I'll keep you posted if this continues....

**More stolen items**
Rock salt (Grandma is thinking ahead for winter)

Grandma's Greatest Hits

Sometimes living with Grandma feels like I am stuck in Groundhog Day. It's the same thing over and over again. I try to be patient, but really how many times can you answer a question about the bus schedules? It's boring the first time, imagine how it is the 22nd time. You start off engaged, but your answers get more terse with each repetition. My best friend suggested recording answers so I could just playback a tape. To give you a clearer idea of life with Grandma, here are some of her favorite topics of conversation:

*Seeing Alice's son*
At least once a week Grandma brings up how she ran into her friend's son, my dad's childhood friend, just the other day. In reality, she saw him sometime back in March. I feel like we should tell him that Grandma has such positive and lasting feelings for him.

*Bus schedules and bus fare*
"You have the schedule? What do they charge now? $2.25! It used to be a nickel, but that was when we had the trolleys."

*Train schedules and train fare*
"How much does it cost to go to the city? $6! I used to get a monthly commutation for that! Oh, but I haven't been down there in a while."

*Is Aunt Dee away?*
We all know how wily Aunt Dee is, so you can't really blame Grandma for having trouble keeping tabs on her. What's really sad about this is that Grandma will ask where Aunt Dee is days or even hours after Aunt Dee has taken her out to eat. Of course that could also be because Grandma has a habit of guzzling rather than sipping her glass of wine....

*Tofu? Never heard of it! What's that made of? Soybeans?*
"Never heard of it" is the response a lot of my food gets, even the things that I regularly make and Grandma regularly eats.

*Where'd you get such a big frying pan? I never saw such a thing. It would make a good weapon.*
Every. Single. Time.

*Do Middle Bro and Little Bro live together?*
I'm not sure where she came up with this one. My brothers have never lived together as adults.

*Where are your slippers?*
Grandma is really, really against bare feet.

*I could use a nice piece of cake*
This usually launches Grandma on a discussion of all the bakeries that used to be in the neighborhood.

*How am I supposed to know?*
Grandma frequently pulls out the plug that controls our cable and internet, then complains that the TV doesn't work. This is even though I've repeatedly taped signs over the plug explaining what it does and why it cannot be unplugged. This also applies to when she puts metal in the microwave. Grandma will pull down the signs and say, "You don't need to tell me!"

*They're only picking up garbage once a week now?*
This was something the city threatened, but didn't go through with. Unfortunately, the proposed plan really resonated with Grandma.

*Look at how she hangs clothes! I'd tell her off, but she don't speak English.*
On our poor, hapless tenants and their shameful laundry efforts.

*Why is this light on? You should see my bill!*
Um, because it is dark out? Sometimes I call Grandma "Con Edison" when she's really worked up about the lights.

*I don't need a babysitter! I told her not to come back!*
This is Grandma's standard line about her health aide. I think she's just mad because her aide comes at 9 and Grandma prefers sleeping until 9:30 or 10.

*I'm too weak. I lost 18 pounds, you know.*
One of Grandma's sisters was recently in the hospital, so we had Grandma send a get well card. Not to be outdone, Grandma was sure to mention her weight loss in the card.

and of course, was there any doubt? Grandma's number one repeated phrase is....

AUNT DEE TOOK IT!

**Recent Thefts**
Kitchen Timers
Dish Towels
Slippers

The Ellen DeGeneres No!

Grandma is not pleased with Ellen's outfit today. "She looks like hell! She's on TV like that? In dungarees? With her shirt untucked? It's awful!"

**Recent Thefts**
saucers
paper towels

Cabinet of Wonders

After seven months, Grandma still seems pretty confused about the fact that I live with her. If I've been in my room for awhile she'll say, "Oh, I forgot you were here." When I was away over the summer she asked my dad where I was living. And when she finds my possessions in the kitchen, she always asks, "Is this yours?" and either leaves them out or hides them in random locations (a la the frying pan that went missing). She doesn't know where the items came from or if they're hers and doesn't want to put them away until that's been clarified. But remember, Grandma has no short term memory, so even when I tell her the stuff is mine, she doesn't process that.

So, I've been on a mission to clear out some shelf/cabinet space for my things. Grandma is a pack rat, so this has been quite an undertaking. When I first moved in, my dad and I set to work on the pantry. We threw out all the old items. Things started around 2007, farther back on the shelves we started seeing 2005 and 2004, 2002, 2001. Noodle and sauce mixes from 1999, 1994. Unopened salad dressings, and what we thought was the champion, baking soda from 1989. But, tucked in a corner of the pantry we found the gem pictured here. Kitchen Bouquet! Circa 1974! This prompted immediate texts to my brothers. Middle Bro asked, "What did it taste like?"
My reply, "Food poisoning? A hallucination? I ain't tasting that!" I did smell it, however. It was kind of stewy and had totally congealed. Interestingly, the ingredients had no chemicals and seemed pretty wholesome.

Today's project was the cabinets by the kitchen sink. These held vitamins and medicine. With her condition, Grandma is very much an "outta sight, outta mind" kind of girl. So, these were almost as old as the stuff in the pantry. All told, I had 25 bottles to recycle, plus a pretty substantial assortment of sample pills. The record for this cabinet was 1990, although I had one antique-y looking bottle with no dates. Check it out, and also note the 1970s style contact paper.

This was a pretty tedious job, but now I have two extra shelves to myself and a safe home for my travel mugs.

**Today's Stolen Items**
Dish towels

Little Bro and the Mystery of the Stolen Towels (and Bath Mat)

My youngest brother is visiting for the week. He's stopped by Grandma's and we're going out to dinner later. I had him surprise Grandma at the door. We could tell she was extra excited by all the swats that accompanied her hug. Little Bro has been living across the country and hasn't seen Grandma in over a year and a half. He does not know how pervasive Aunt Dee's criminal empire of thieves is!

I want to show him some pictures we just got of Grandma's sister and my grandpa in their World War II uniforms. When they are not immediately found, "Aunt Dee took them!" I remind Grandma that Aunt Dee is away and that I showed them to Dad the other day. "He took them!" Little Bro tries to tell Grandma she can't blame Aunt Dee for everything. Oh, Little Bro. You have so much to learn about how Grandma operates.

Little Bro wants to take a shower. Grandma, who still attempts to be a good hostess, starts looking for a towel for him. "I used to have a lot of towels, big towels, hand towels. Aunt Dee must have taken them. She took the bath mat, too! I'll hit her over the head with it!"

Little Bro is doubled over laughing! This is three thefts in less than 10 minutes!

"Next time I go to Macy's I'm gonna buy 6 towels and send Aunt Dee the bill!"

"When are you going to Macy's, Grandma?" Remember, she barely leaves the house.

"When I get the ambition and energy! And Aunt Dee can pay the bill!"

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

One of the first jokes we learn is some variation of "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" According to Wikipedia, this was printed in The Knickerbocker magazine as early as 1847 and was most likely in common use by the 1890s. Rubber chickens are a typical gag prop and "The Chicken Dance" often serves as background music for silliness. For whatever reason, chickens seem to have a special place in comedy. I don't get the humor, but Grandma totally does!

A couple of weeks ago, Grandma was watching the news and cracking up. "Look at this! Oh, I never!"

The story was about the growing trend of people keeping their own chickens and using the eggs. Grandma is finding this totally hilarious.

"Chickens! As pets! In the backyard! Ha!"

Every squawk and cluck makes her laugh even more. I'm not sure why this is funny, but I try to keep the hilarity going. I tell her that one of her nieces and her family keep four chickens in their garage.

"In the garage? Ha! You don't say!"

"Yeah, they have a little coop that connects to the garage. I helped them collect the eggs when I went to visit."

"Get out of town!"

She's still laughing as if this is the funniest thing ever! As if these chickens have suddenly started performing like Gonzo's beloved show-chicken, Camila. I don't get it. At all.

And then she becomes nostalgic, "Oh, sure. It's good to have your own eggs. My mother used to keep chickens."

"When you were little or when she was little?"

"When I was a kid, we had one backyard, and then you went up a set of stairs to another yard and she kept the chickens there. Oh yeah, that was funny. Chickens, ha!"



Today's Thefts
*Sheets
*Dustpan
*The newspaper containing the obituary of Grandma's friend

All of these are recurring thefts and any tips are appreciated.

A New Low

Aunt Dee's latest theft might be a record low in terms of both the worthlessness and randomness of the item. So what did she take this time?

A box of Saltines. Unsalted Saltines, as Grandma is quick to clarify.

"I always have a big box of unsalted Saltines." [Note: Not in the six months that I've been here.] "I don't know where it went. Aunt Dee must have taken them. She can get her own!"

Yeah, get your own unsalted Saltines, Aunt Dee!

Rub-a-Dub-Dub

Keep Aunt Dee away from your tub! She has stolen our bathmat again!

All together now, "She sees something she wants and she just takes it! She's got money, she's got a car, she can get her own bathmat!"

Grandma added a new twist to her diatribe, "I gotta go pick up a new one. I can't wait for Aunt Dee to bring it back. Who knows when that'll be."

Frying Pan Found!

The frying pan that vanished while I was away, presumably stolen by Aunt Dee, has been found! I'd looked in Grandma's usual hiding spots of the basement and the hallway closet, but no dice. The pan turned out to be in a semi-reasonable location for a kitchen item - in a cabinet under boxes of wax paper and foil. Hooray!

Of course Grandma had forgotten the frying pan ever existed, so she did not share in my joy at its return. She was back to her original commentary of, "I never saw such a big pan! Where did you get such a thing?"

Maybe Aunt Dee is turning away from her life of crime and mending her ways. Maybe more stolen items like the bath mat will start turning up!

A New Thief in Town!

Yesterday Grandma lost her glasses, so obviously, the first thing she did was complain that Aunt Dee stole them. Like most stolen goods, the glasses are not anything anyone would want. They're huge, thick things, probably from the '70s. I told Grandma Aunt Dee hadn't been over and clearly didn't take her glasses. Grandma remained suspicious.

She wondered if she'd left them at her friend's house, but then decided that her friend would have called. I wondered if she actually went to her friend's house since I haven't seen her go farther than the front porch in weeks.

So we are looking all over the house for the glasses. In her search Grandma finds a pair of my dad's reading glasses.
"Whose are these?"
"They're Dad's. He left them here."
"Why would he leave them here?" Something clicks in her brain. "He took my glasses and left this sh-t!"

Now Grandma is pissed!!! Both of her kids are dirty thieves! For once, Aunt Dee is innocent, so Grandma decides to call her because she's "frickin' mad!" While she's railing about my dad and him taking her huge '70s women's glasses for himself, I look in Grandma's room for the glasses. And there they are, mixed up in her bedspread.

When Grandma's items are found, she doesn't backtrack at all or apologize for any of her wild accusations. I hold up her glasses and she simply says, "Oh, there they are" and hangs up the phone.

Never Heard of It! volume 4

The other day I made a very healthy and delicious dinner of basil flavored couscous, zucchini, tomatoes, and mozzarella. As usual, Grandma is very suspicious of any activity in the kitchen. She's watching me chop things and heat up the couscous.

"What are you making?"

I figured saying "couscous" would be a total lost cause, clearly something that would fall swiftly into the category of "Never Heard of It!" So, I thought I'd fudge things a bit and put it in terms she'd understand, like when I called risotto Rice-a-Roni. I decided couscous, in Grandma-friendly terms, should be called pasta salad.

"Pasta salad? Never heard of it!"

What? How has she never heard of pasta salad? It's a staple of picnics! There are a million varieties! How can something like pasta salad get such a resounding "Never heard of it!"?

As usual, this scene repeats itself five minutes later.

"Pasta salad? Never heard of it!"

This time around I am feeling a little sassy, and frankly, impatient. "You never heard of pasta salad? You need to get out more!"

This gets me some swats and a "Oooh! You're fresh!"

Grandma turned out to be quite a fan of this mysterious "pasta salad" though. She went back for seconds and then ate the rest of the leftovers in the pan.


On to a more serious topic...

Recent Thefts:
oven mitts
my frying pan

These are pretty interesting things for Aunt Dee to steal because she doesn't cook! Ever! What's extra frustrating though, when I asked Grandma what happened to my frying pan, the extra large one that she always, always comments on, she said, "A large frying pan? Well I never saw one. Aunt Dee must have taken it."