Friday, October 29, 2010

Trick or Treat!

Grandma loves her sweets, but she loves novelty sweets even more! She frequently prowls the kitchen looking for "a nice piece of cake," so I picked up this spooky little one for her.

Grandma used to always buy holiday-themed frosted sugar cookies when my brothers and I were little, so I'm not sure why decorated treats are so surprising to her. She exclaimed, much like she did over the clown cupcake, "Isn't that cute! I never saw such a thing!" and gobbled it up for breakfast.

Happy Halloween!

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Never Feed After Midnight

Grandma has been refusing to go to the hair salon lately. Aunt Dee and my great-aunt have been trying for a few weeks to have her go, but she is pretty adamant. "I'm too tired! I don't have the energy! I lost 18 pounds, you know."

We try to tell her that she just has to sit there while they wash and set her hair and she could take a nap if she really had to, but Grandma is not having it. "What? It's not like I have a date or anything." Consequently, her hair is looking like a hot mess.

The other day she woke up to swat good-bye to Little Bro. Her hair was sticking out on the sides and straight up on top in a hugely impressive mohawk. So help me, all I could think of was this little Gremlin.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Little Bro and the Mystery of the Stolen Towels (and Bath Mat)

My youngest brother is visiting for the week. He's stopped by Grandma's and we're going out to dinner later. I had him surprise Grandma at the door. We could tell she was extra excited by all the swats that accompanied her hug. Little Bro has been living across the country and hasn't seen Grandma in over a year and a half. He does not know how pervasive Aunt Dee's criminal empire of thieves is!

I want to show him some pictures we just got of Grandma's sister and my grandpa in their World War II uniforms. When they are not immediately found, "Aunt Dee took them!" I remind Grandma that Aunt Dee is away and that I showed them to Dad the other day. "He took them!" Little Bro tries to tell Grandma she can't blame Aunt Dee for everything. Oh, Little Bro. You have so much to learn about how Grandma operates.

Little Bro wants to take a shower. Grandma, who still attempts to be a good hostess, starts looking for a towel for him. "I used to have a lot of towels, big towels, hand towels. Aunt Dee must have taken them. She took the bath mat, too! I'll hit her over the head with it!"

Little Bro is doubled over laughing! This is three thefts in less than 10 minutes!

"Next time I go to Macy's I'm gonna buy 6 towels and send Aunt Dee the bill!"

"When are you going to Macy's, Grandma?" Remember, she barely leaves the house.

"When I get the ambition and energy! And Aunt Dee can pay the bill!"

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Fall Fling

Grandma has been in a frisky mood lately! While policing the house for unattended lights she spots that I have left my bedroom light on.

She shuffles over to me in the kitchen, very slyly, "Is your boyfriend waiting in the bedroom?"

"Huh, what boyfriend?"

"Then why is the light on?! Turn off the lights! You should see my electric bill!"


Today she made another comment about a boyfriend. "What boyfriend? Do you know someone for me?"

"No, I gotta find one for myself!"

Grandma enjoys mysteries, crossword puzzles, recycling, cheeseburgers, pizza, and repeating herself. If you know any eligible nonagenarians, send them her way!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

One of the first jokes we learn is some variation of "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" According to Wikipedia, this was printed in The Knickerbocker magazine as early as 1847 and was most likely in common use by the 1890s. Rubber chickens are a typical gag prop and "The Chicken Dance" often serves as background music for silliness. For whatever reason, chickens seem to have a special place in comedy. I don't get the humor, but Grandma totally does!

A couple of weeks ago, Grandma was watching the news and cracking up. "Look at this! Oh, I never!"

The story was about the growing trend of people keeping their own chickens and using the eggs. Grandma is finding this totally hilarious.

"Chickens! As pets! In the backyard! Ha!"

Every squawk and cluck makes her laugh even more. I'm not sure why this is funny, but I try to keep the hilarity going. I tell her that one of her nieces and her family keep four chickens in their garage.

"In the garage? Ha! You don't say!"

"Yeah, they have a little coop that connects to the garage. I helped them collect the eggs when I went to visit."

"Get out of town!"

She's still laughing as if this is the funniest thing ever! As if these chickens have suddenly started performing like Gonzo's beloved show-chicken, Camila. I don't get it. At all.

And then she becomes nostalgic, "Oh, sure. It's good to have your own eggs. My mother used to keep chickens."

"When you were little or when she was little?"

"When I was a kid, we had one backyard, and then you went up a set of stairs to another yard and she kept the chickens there. Oh yeah, that was funny. Chickens, ha!"

Today's Thefts
*The newspaper containing the obituary of Grandma's friend

All of these are recurring thefts and any tips are appreciated.

Sunday, October 10, 2010

This Just In...

Grandma had the TV on and was watching some pre or post football game wrap-up.

"You like football, Grandma?"

"I'm not watching football. This is the evening news."

Of course it is. The merits of Michael Vick and the new and improved St. Louis Rams will always make up the bulk of a national news broadcast. Sigh...

A New Low

Aunt Dee's latest theft might be a record low in terms of both the worthlessness and randomness of the item. So what did she take this time?

A box of Saltines. Unsalted Saltines, as Grandma is quick to clarify.

"I always have a big box of unsalted Saltines." [Note: Not in the six months that I've been here.] "I don't know where it went. Aunt Dee must have taken them. She can get her own!"

Yeah, get your own unsalted Saltines, Aunt Dee!