"I Want It Now!"

So we know that dementia leads to increased impatience and irritability. Yesterday Grandma used those characteristics to do a pretty impressive Veruca Salt impression.

"We don't have any ginger ale?"
"No, we ran out."
"I want ginger ale."
"We don't have any. Dad's bringing some by tomorrow."
"I don't want it tomorrow, I want it now!"

Luckily I was able to placate Veruca with some ginger iced tea.


Things Aunt Dee Has Stolen:
Towels
Remote Control

That's a Wrap

My dad brought over some McDonald's, including a snack wrap. Grandma has been eying it with suspicion since.

"What's this?"
"A chicken sandwich."
"Chicken? But it's all wrapped up. I never saw such a thing!"

Multiply this conversation by five.

Back in Action

I haven't had much to post lately because Grandma went through an extended bout of "I'm so weak" and was basically sleeping non-stop for 2-3 weeks. But, by forcing her to take her thyroid medication, she seems to have bounced back and is up to her usual shenanigans.

Here are a couple of examples.

I spent some time dogsitting for a friend and was staying at that apartment. It wasn't too far from home, so I'd stop by the house to check on Grandma most days.

"Ok, Grandma, I'm going back to dogsit."
"What?"
"I'm going dogsitting."
"I can't hear you."
"I'm Going Dogsitting."
"I didn't make that out."
"DOGSITTING!!!"
(pause)
"You're talking too loud. I can't understand you."


The other day I went out with a friend for Indian food. I brought home leftovers of chicken tikka in an arugula salad. Usually if I have food I want to keep to myself, I hide it in one of the refrigerator drawers. This time I left it on the shelves. Grandma looks at any lettuce beyond iceberg with suspicion and I thought the coral spicing on the chicken would totally signal this as something too ethnic for her. Wrong! About an hour later I spot a plastic lid with a scrap of arugula on the counter.
"Did you eat my salad?"
"Huh?"
"My leftover salad in the refrigerator, did you eat it?"
"No, I didn't eat anything."
"Well where is it? I left it in the refrigerator and now it's gone."
"It's must have been your father. He's been hanging around."
"I brought it home an hour ago. He hasn't been here. You're the only other one here."
"Well, I don't recall eating it. It must have been your father."

Little Bro's Bake Shop

Happy Easter, everyone! I hope all Catholics brought out their best shark tooth chains for the holiday!

Grandma had another bout of "Woe is me, I'm so weak..." over the weekend, but she seems to have snapped out of it. Tonight I got her to eat a chicken salad sandwich and some of Little Bro's banana bread.

"Do you want to try the banana bread? It's from Little Bro."
"Where'd he get it?"
"He made it."
"He made it? He likes cooking? Oh, that's wonderful. He must not have anything to do, so he took up cooking."
"Is it good?"
"Oh, yeah. Isn't it nice he took up baking."
"Tell him to make you some more! Call him and place an order."

This sets her into a fit of giggles. "Good idea!"

I'm Lovin' It!

Lately Grandma has been extra lackadaisical. She'll go through 3-4 day stretches where she barely gets out of bed. I try to get her moving or at least make sure she eats something.

"Grandma, are you gonna get up?"
"I just don't feel well. I feel very weak."
"Well, you need to eat something. You don't eat enough, that's why you feel weak. Do you want some toast?"
"I just don't have the appetite."
"What about some soup? Or tea?"
"No, I just feel like I'm gonna throw up."
"Do you want some McDonald's?"
[pause]
"Oh, that could be nice..."

And this is how I know there is nothing seriously wrong with her. If she had a true stomach ailment McDonald's would be the last thing she wanted to eat. But she just can't resist it! She loves that salty food and will eat it at anytime of day or night.

After one bout of this self-imposed bed rest, Grandma actually stumbled out of her room. I was on the phone with my dad and said, "Oh look, Lazybones finally got out of bed!" Freshness is a surefire way to perk up Grandma's energy.
"Don't be fresh!"
"What, it's three o'clock and you've been in bed for days. You are a lazybones."
"I'm gonna come over there and smack you! Oh, but, I'm too weak. I just don't have the energy."

A few more Happy Meals and she'll be back in smacking shape in no time.

Dang Quesadilla

Tonight I made myself a quesadilla for dinner. Obviously this falls smack dab into "Never heard of it!" territory.

"What's that?"
"A quesadilla. It's cheese and tortillas."

All these "illas" are way too ethnic for Grandma. But, she does love her some cheese, so she is holding back on her "Never heard of it!" pronouncement. Anything with cheese is definitely worth hearing of! I've been making sure to always have a block of cheddar in the house because cheese and crackers is probably the one thing I can rely on Grandma eating regularly and not forgetting about. She continues eyeing the mysterious quesadilla as I cut it and start to eat. "What is that, some kind of pancake?"

"Sure, kind of."
"Huh."

Grandma already made chicken noodle soup for herself, so I eat in the living room. When I come back to the kitchen, there is Grandma, hovering at the microwave and making her own little grilled cheese, no doubt inspired by the dang quesadilla!

Never Heard of It! Volume 6

Until five or six years ago, Grandma still had her car and was able to go out into the world as she pleased. However, with all the things she's never heard of, you'd think she was some kind of Rip Van Winkle abruptly tossed into the 21st century.

Here's the latest round of things she's never heard of:

Grape tomatoes - although they are quickly becoming a favorite snack for her.

Italian Wedding soup - I'm trying to widen her soup repertoire, but this can has been rejected and sits forlornly on the shelf. The only time Grandma pays any attention to it is to say, "Italian wedding soup? Never heard of it!"

Whole grain bread - I bought a loaf at the bakery full of sunflower seeds and other goodness. Grandma was suspicious because it wasn't sliced. "I usually buy sliced bread. It's got seeds? Never heard of it!" After the loaf was gone, with Grandma eating at least 2/3 of it, "We need more bread. Get white bread this time. I didn't care for that last one." What? Then why'd you eat all my bread?! Freshie.

Double wrappings of bread - When Grandma opened the new bag of bread, she found it wrapped inside as well. "A wrapping inside? Never heard of that!"


The Wicked shade of nail polish - I was sitting at the kitchen table touching up my favorite winter shade - Wicked by Essie. "What color is that?"
"Wicked."
"Never heard of that!"
"Don't I look like an evil queen with it?" (Which is exactly why I love to wear it so much. It makes me want to drum my nails as if I'm pondering the intricate details of some nefarious plot).
"Well, it sure is dark. I never saw such a color!"





Don't think that all the bad weather has kept Aunt Dee from making her rounds of thieving!

Things Aunt Dee Steals:
Pills
Weekly Pill Box

Grandma's medications have been her focus lately. She's been messing up her doses or forgetting them all together. I find untaken pills all over the house. Even with the weekly pill organizer Grandma wouldn't take the proper amounts on the proper days. So, at Aunt Dee and my dad's suggestion, I've hidden the pills and the pill box. I leave out her day's doses in the morning before I go to work, but even this is getting confusing to Grandma. With her vitamins and supplements, she takes nearly a dozen things a day and frequently doesn't finish everything. So, then she finds the leftover pills and the new set and various combinations in between and doesn't know what she's taken or not. She insists that the problem is that Aunt Dee took her pill box, so I let Aunt Dee take the fall.

Recipe Swipe

I made a batch of turkey tacos on Monday. This is a bit too spicy (ethnic) for Grandma's palate, so I've had the leftovers all for myself. This means that every time I've heated them up we've had some variation of this conversation:

"What are you making?"
"Turkey tacos."
"What's a taco? Never heard of it!"

My favorite might have been tonight's, "I wouldn't know anything about tacos."

Then she spotted the apple pie my mom sent down. "Oh, what a nice pie. My mother used to make wonderful pies."
"What kind of pies?"
"Apple or lemon meringue, I'd help peel the apples or stir the lemon pudding on the stove. Or she'd make strudels or cakes. I used to have a lot of good recipes from her."
"What happened to them, Grandma?"
"Yeah, I wonder what happened to them....They must have just walked out of here."

What happened next was kind of funny. Naturally, Grandma's first instinct is to blame Aunt Dee for the missing recipes. With her track record of thievery, who wouldn't? But, Grandma seems to remember that Aunt Dee doesn't cook. So now she tries to reconcile these two facts in her brain. She works through it by mumbling to herself, "She don't cook, why would she take them? Oooooh, I think she said her husband cooks. I bet she took them for him! I'm gonna ask him how he likes my recipes. Ha!"

Case closed!

New Treats

I bought some doughnuts for Grandma on Monday night. There were eight in the box and she has already eaten six of them! They were on sale this week, so I may need to stock up for her. It seems they will do in a pinch when she is on the hunt for "a nice piece of cake."

I also bought some eggnog because I like to mix it into my gingerbread tea. (Sidebar, try that combo. It is a seriously delicious holiday treat!). So I bought the eggnog on Monday, but didn't have any until Wednesday night. I go to the fridge and the quart is already half gone! This is the real, full fat eggnog, it is really too rich to be drinking by the glass. Grandma must have been chugging away at it, maybe dipping her six doughnuts into it!

Hopefully these new additions to the kitchen will help Grandma put on some weight. She lost 18 pounds, you know.

Grandma's Greatest Hits

Sometimes living with Grandma feels like I am stuck in Groundhog Day. It's the same thing over and over again. I try to be patient, but really how many times can you answer a question about the bus schedules? It's boring the first time, imagine how it is the 22nd time. You start off engaged, but your answers get more terse with each repetition. My best friend suggested recording answers so I could just playback a tape. To give you a clearer idea of life with Grandma, here are some of her favorite topics of conversation:

*Seeing Alice's son*
At least once a week Grandma brings up how she ran into her friend's son, my dad's childhood friend, just the other day. In reality, she saw him sometime back in March. I feel like we should tell him that Grandma has such positive and lasting feelings for him.

*Bus schedules and bus fare*
"You have the schedule? What do they charge now? $2.25! It used to be a nickel, but that was when we had the trolleys."

*Train schedules and train fare*
"How much does it cost to go to the city? $6! I used to get a monthly commutation for that! Oh, but I haven't been down there in a while."

*Is Aunt Dee away?*
We all know how wily Aunt Dee is, so you can't really blame Grandma for having trouble keeping tabs on her. What's really sad about this is that Grandma will ask where Aunt Dee is days or even hours after Aunt Dee has taken her out to eat. Of course that could also be because Grandma has a habit of guzzling rather than sipping her glass of wine....

*Tofu? Never heard of it! What's that made of? Soybeans?*
"Never heard of it" is the response a lot of my food gets, even the things that I regularly make and Grandma regularly eats.

*Where'd you get such a big frying pan? I never saw such a thing. It would make a good weapon.*
Every. Single. Time.

*Do Middle Bro and Little Bro live together?*
I'm not sure where she came up with this one. My brothers have never lived together as adults.

*Where are your slippers?*
Grandma is really, really against bare feet.

*I could use a nice piece of cake*
This usually launches Grandma on a discussion of all the bakeries that used to be in the neighborhood.

*How am I supposed to know?*
Grandma frequently pulls out the plug that controls our cable and internet, then complains that the TV doesn't work. This is even though I've repeatedly taped signs over the plug explaining what it does and why it cannot be unplugged. This also applies to when she puts metal in the microwave. Grandma will pull down the signs and say, "You don't need to tell me!"

*They're only picking up garbage once a week now?*
This was something the city threatened, but didn't go through with. Unfortunately, the proposed plan really resonated with Grandma.

*Look at how she hangs clothes! I'd tell her off, but she don't speak English.*
On our poor, hapless tenants and their shameful laundry efforts.

*Why is this light on? You should see my bill!*
Um, because it is dark out? Sometimes I call Grandma "Con Edison" when she's really worked up about the lights.

*I don't need a babysitter! I told her not to come back!*
This is Grandma's standard line about her health aide. I think she's just mad because her aide comes at 9 and Grandma prefers sleeping until 9:30 or 10.

*I'm too weak. I lost 18 pounds, you know.*
One of Grandma's sisters was recently in the hospital, so we had Grandma send a get well card. Not to be outdone, Grandma was sure to mention her weight loss in the card.

and of course, was there any doubt? Grandma's number one repeated phrase is....

AUNT DEE TOOK IT!

**Recent Thefts**
Kitchen Timers
Dish Towels
Slippers

Trick or Treat!

Grandma loves her sweets, but she loves novelty sweets even more! She frequently prowls the kitchen looking for "a nice piece of cake," so I picked up this spooky little one for her.

Grandma used to always buy holiday-themed frosted sugar cookies when my brothers and I were little, so I'm not sure why decorated treats are so surprising to her. She exclaimed, much like she did over the clown cupcake, "Isn't that cute! I never saw such a thing!" and gobbled it up for breakfast.

Happy Halloween!

Drink Up

I'm sitting at the kitchen table enjoying a Fuze Peach Mango, when Grandma walks in.

"Fuze? Never heard of it! Is that a drink?"

"It's juice, but would probably taste good with rum in it."

"Ooooh! Too bad I don't have any rum. We used to have a lot of stuff. Scotch, rum, whiskey, wine. Yeah, Grandpa liked to have a drink every now and then."

"What about you, Grandma? What was your drink?"

She starts giggling. "Oh, I was a cheap date! I'd have one drink and sip it all night. There used to be a tavern across the street. Grandpa would help out there after he retired. They had a trio play on Saturday nights and they would have lots of nice parties, especially New Years Eve. Yeah, that was nice."

Soon Grandma is giving me a rundown of all the bars that used to be in the neighborhood and the families that owned them. One of the traits of Grandma's dementia is that she starts repeating herself and her stories circle around themselves. Within three minutes she is back to the part about Grandpa working at the tavern and one of the owner's sons being a police officer. She'll repeat both facts again before dinner is ready. Still, it is worth it to hear her giggles.

Frying Pan Found!

The frying pan that vanished while I was away, presumably stolen by Aunt Dee, has been found! I'd looked in Grandma's usual hiding spots of the basement and the hallway closet, but no dice. The pan turned out to be in a semi-reasonable location for a kitchen item - in a cabinet under boxes of wax paper and foil. Hooray!

Of course Grandma had forgotten the frying pan ever existed, so she did not share in my joy at its return. She was back to her original commentary of, "I never saw such a big pan! Where did you get such a thing?"

Maybe Aunt Dee is turning away from her life of crime and mending her ways. Maybe more stolen items like the bath mat will start turning up!

Sweet Talk

Grandma has been driving me a little crazy lately. In addition to all the normal absurdities and repetitions, some of her new activities include putting foil in the microwave and taking apart the stove. Do you know what happens when you put foil in the microwave? It goes up in flames!!! But, thanks to Grandma's tinkering with the stove I now know how to put a gas burner back in place. That's gotta be a useful skill, right?

Luckily for Grandma, she can be very cute. Spend any amount of time with Grandma and you will know that she's lost a lot of weight, 18 pounds to be exact. She tells everyone she sees, every day. Relatives, neighbors, doctors, hairdressers, waiters. She started telling our handyman, "I lost a lot of weight, you know."
And he could finish her sentence! "18 pounds, right?"

We're trying to get Grandma to eat more and her sweet tooth is often the easiest way to do it. I brought home some cupcakes the other day and they were a hit. One was red velvet. At first it got a big fat "Never heard of it!" but Grandma's curiosity and sweet tooth overpowered that uncertainty. She quickly changed her tune to, "Oh, that's good." The second cupcake was a simple yellow cake with buttercream frosting, but it had the bonus of a little clown face made of sugar. Grandma could not handle it! She kept chuckling, "I never saw something so cute! Where'd you get it?" She did this three times in a row, so clearly it was very exciting.

The cupcakes are gone, so I brought home a tin of chocolate truffles. Grandma found them on the table after her nap. "What are these?"
"Oh, I bought them for you. They're chocolates."
"For me?"
"You like chocolate, right?"
"I love candy!"

Grandma usually expresses all emotion in swats and pats. Some are affectionate, some are because you're being fresh, some are because you just happen to be within swatting range. So what she did next was very unexpected. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, "Well thank you. I really appreciate it."

Never Heard of It! volume 4

The other day I made a very healthy and delicious dinner of basil flavored couscous, zucchini, tomatoes, and mozzarella. As usual, Grandma is very suspicious of any activity in the kitchen. She's watching me chop things and heat up the couscous.

"What are you making?"

I figured saying "couscous" would be a total lost cause, clearly something that would fall swiftly into the category of "Never Heard of It!" So, I thought I'd fudge things a bit and put it in terms she'd understand, like when I called risotto Rice-a-Roni. I decided couscous, in Grandma-friendly terms, should be called pasta salad.

"Pasta salad? Never heard of it!"

What? How has she never heard of pasta salad? It's a staple of picnics! There are a million varieties! How can something like pasta salad get such a resounding "Never heard of it!"?

As usual, this scene repeats itself five minutes later.

"Pasta salad? Never heard of it!"

This time around I am feeling a little sassy, and frankly, impatient. "You never heard of pasta salad? You need to get out more!"

This gets me some swats and a "Oooh! You're fresh!"

Grandma turned out to be quite a fan of this mysterious "pasta salad" though. She went back for seconds and then ate the rest of the leftovers in the pan.


On to a more serious topic...

Recent Thefts:
oven mitts
my frying pan

These are pretty interesting things for Aunt Dee to steal because she doesn't cook! Ever! What's extra frustrating though, when I asked Grandma what happened to my frying pan, the extra large one that she always, always comments on, she said, "A large frying pan? Well I never saw one. Aunt Dee must have taken it."

Never Heard of It! volume 3

Yesterday I was getting ready to go out.

"Where you going?"
"Out to dinner with some friends."
"That's nice. What are you gonna have?"
"Japanese food, sushi."
"Never heard of it! What's that like?"
"You probably won't like it. It's rice..."
"Yeah?"
"And raw fish."
"Gaaaaaaah!"

Seriously folks, this is maybe the loudest I've ever heard Grandma! She physically recoiled at the mention of raw fish and jumped about three feet away. Then she proceeded to walk back and forth through the kitchen as if she had to get away from this horrible image of raw, stinking fish.

"Oh, golly! Raw fish?!?! That is not for me!!! Ugh!"

On top of me grossing her out with tales of sushi, poor Grandma has had to deal with more thefts. She kept moving the hammock stand, which means that the pieces dislodge and the whole thing falls apart. So, I moved the pieces into the basement so they wouldn't get rusty while I was traveling. Today Grandma says very gravely, "I have that nice hammock to use, but Aunt Dee stole the stand!"

This is one of the saddest parts of dementia. There's often times where Grandma's logic and reason are just gone, but she's still got plenty of righteous anger to let out. Why would Aunt Dee steal the hammock stand, but not the hammock? She doesn't even have a backyard! These things don't occur to Grandma. For some reason her mind has locked on to the idea that my aunt steals things and that's how it is. So give us back our hammock stand!

Never Heard of It! volume 2

More culinary adventures for Grandma! I was making my favorite snack - crackers with pesto and mozzarella - when Grandma walked into the kitchen.

"What're you making?"
"Cheese and crackers with pesto."
"What's that? Never heard of it!"
"It's a spread of basil and garlic."
"Hmm."

She ponders this new exotic item in our kitchen. Two seconds later...

"What're you making?"
"Cheese and crackers with pesto. You want one?"
"What the hell is pesto? I never heard of it!"
"It's a spread of basil and garlic."
"Well, how should I know that? I'm not Italian. Maybe if I was Italian I'd know."

The verdict? "That's nice."

I also bought some cashews. "I don't think I ever had a cashew...they're ok." Sometimes it feels a little bit like that old Saturday Night Live skit, "The Delicious Dish" where the NPR ladies present really bland and normal foods as the theme for the episode. On our next show...rice.

Belly Up to the Bar

In her more lucid moments Grandma gets a little embarrassed about forgetting things. I try to lighten the mood by saying, "Have you been drinking again?"

She always laughs and responds, "You're right! I should take up drinking! Then I'd have an excuse."

I think I may have unwittingly planted a seed in her brain because now she seems to be craving booze. We polished off the blackberry brandy awhile ago, so now along with her usual wistful requests for "a nice piece of cake with a lot of icing" she's been starting to talk about cocktails she wants. "Oooh, I'd like a rum and Coke or a rye and ginger. I always liked daiquiris, but you can't drink too many of those."

Sometimes she comments on how tired she is, so I accuse her of being out late and partying with her friend Alice down the block. "Oh no, Alice doesn't drink. I'd always have a highball or a cocktail when I went out, but Alice doesn't drink."

Maybe Grandma and I will host our own party. The menu will include all her favorite things: pizza, McDonald's, strawberry shortcake, and daiquiris. We'll see if we invite Alice.

IHOP (International House of Pilfery)

Aunt Dee is at it again!

Today she stole:
measuring cups
cooking oil
maple syrup

Are you noticing a theme? The connection between the stolen goods is that I made pancakes for dinner and needed those things. The cups and syrup were recovered, but the oil is still a hot item pending further investigation.

Something funny about Grandma is that when she is first given a plate she will say, "Oh! This is too much! I can't eat all this!" She'll try to offer some to you. You must resist! If the food is in front of her, she will eat it. A case in point would be our Easter dinner. We went out to eat with my dad. Grandma ate pretty decent helpings of the appetizers and her pasta. She claimed to be full, but that Grandma, oh, does she have a fierce sweet tooth. As the waiter came by with a tray of pastries her little face lit up. She grabbed the largest one, a flaky cream-filled treat. As usual, she kept saying how it was too much and she couldn't finish. She kept offering it to me. Luckily, I was able to hold her at bay. Sure enough, she finished the whole thing by herself. So to recap, don't let Grandma try to pawn her food off on you. She will eat it, all of it. And probably go back for seconds, just like she did with the pancakes.

Never Heard of It!

When it comes to food, Grandma is very much a meat and potatoes kind of girl. Her background is Eastern European and Italian food is about as "ethnic" as she eats. She recently lost a lot of weight (18 pounds, another favorite topic of hers). We think it was due to her forgetting to eat or just not wanting to cook. To combat that, her freezer is pretty stocked with microwave TV dinners. Now, I'm not the most adventurous foodie, but some of my additions to the kitchen are blowing her nonagenarian mind!

Here are some highlights of our recent culinary conversations:

While I cook with a large pan, "I never saw such a huge frying pan! Geez, is that big enough? Why is it so big? That'd be good for hitting someone if they tried to break in."

Upon seeing my organic tomato soup, "What, Campbell's isn't good enough for you?"

When I point out a local Chinese place that delivers, "I never cared for Chinese food."

As I eat baby carrots and hummus, "What's that?"
"Hummus, it's like a dip. It's made of chickpeas, like those cans I have."
"Never heard of it."

While I seasoned a tomato sauce, "You're putting rosemary in spaghetti sauce? Never heard of it. My mother never did that."
I replied, "Your mother wasn't Italian." Naturally, this got me swatted at for being fresh.

After I made a pasta dish with tuna, olive oil, and lemon, "Pasta without spaghetti sauce? Never heard of it."

I can't wait to see what will happen if I bring home sushi! I suspect it will go something like, "Raw fish? Wasabi? You eat it with chopsticks? Never heard of it!"


Things Aunt Dee Stole Today:
feather duster

But I took a nap in the afternoon, so I might have missed some thefts. She is stealthy, that Aunt Dee!