A Typical Exchange

"Are they taking out the garbage tomorrow or are they only picking up once a week?"

"It's Tuesday. They pick up today and Friday."

"I thought they were changing it to once a week."

"No."

"Are they picking up tomorrow?"

"It's Tuesday, they already picked up the garbage."

"Then why am I reading Monday's paper? Where's Tuesday's?"

"I don't know. I saw the papers this morning when I left."

"Maybe Aunt Dee took it....."

We also went over garbage pick-up days four times yesterday.

Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

One of the first jokes we learn is some variation of "Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?" According to Wikipedia, this was printed in The Knickerbocker magazine as early as 1847 and was most likely in common use by the 1890s. Rubber chickens are a typical gag prop and "The Chicken Dance" often serves as background music for silliness. For whatever reason, chickens seem to have a special place in comedy. I don't get the humor, but Grandma totally does!

A couple of weeks ago, Grandma was watching the news and cracking up. "Look at this! Oh, I never!"

The story was about the growing trend of people keeping their own chickens and using the eggs. Grandma is finding this totally hilarious.

"Chickens! As pets! In the backyard! Ha!"

Every squawk and cluck makes her laugh even more. I'm not sure why this is funny, but I try to keep the hilarity going. I tell her that one of her nieces and her family keep four chickens in their garage.

"In the garage? Ha! You don't say!"

"Yeah, they have a little coop that connects to the garage. I helped them collect the eggs when I went to visit."

"Get out of town!"

She's still laughing as if this is the funniest thing ever! As if these chickens have suddenly started performing like Gonzo's beloved show-chicken, Camila. I don't get it. At all.

And then she becomes nostalgic, "Oh, sure. It's good to have your own eggs. My mother used to keep chickens."

"When you were little or when she was little?"

"When I was a kid, we had one backyard, and then you went up a set of stairs to another yard and she kept the chickens there. Oh yeah, that was funny. Chickens, ha!"



Today's Thefts
*Sheets
*Dustpan
*The newspaper containing the obituary of Grandma's friend

All of these are recurring thefts and any tips are appreciated.

Upstairs, Downstairs

One of the symptoms of dementia is increased aggression or irritability. Grandma has always been feisty, so with the dementia she has irritability by the truckload! No one causes her more rage than the tenants upstairs. These poor people can do nothing right in Grandma's book.

For starters, they had the audacity and poor taste to name
their daughter Anna. For most people this name is not a problem, but for Grandma it is a huge affront and she keeps threatening to "set them straight" about it.

If it is loud upstairs, "It's 9:00 and they got their kid running around! And he drops his shoes on the floor! They need to get rugs! I'm gonna tell them and hit them over the head." If it is quiet upstairs, you think Grandma would be happy and relish in it. Oh no. She still has something to say. "I think they're not home. You think they'd tell me when they go away!"

The garbage is another sore spot. Grandma has a weird system where she has a large garbage can with a bag, but does not use it. She uses a small shopping bag on the back door OR a small shopping bag within the large bag that she transfers to the bag on the door. What? For some reason, Grandma obsesses over the amount of garbage the tenants put out. I'm not sure why this is an issue, the city collects it twice a week. She has decided that the tenants both work at a supermarket (dubious information at best) and that they sneak garbage home!
"Grandma, why would they bring home garbage?"
"Because! The supermarket has to pay for pick up and it's free here."
I don't know where she came up with this theory or see any logic behind it. The supermarket is a large chain. I'm sure they can handle their sanitation fees. Plus, the "extra" garbage the tenants put on the curb is typically about two bags. How much garbage could they really be smuggling home? And why would they do that anyway?

Perhaps predictably, the tenants incite the most wrath when they use the clothesline You know that Grandma is very particular about how clothes are hung. She has a system and expects everyone to adhere to it. The tenants' hanging skills are so bad that it's almost delightful. Half the time they don't even use clothespins, they just fold the clothes over the line! Which brings us to today's raging in the yard:
"I only do the wash on Mondays. They've got the whole week to do laundry!"
"It's Thursday, Grandma."
"Look at this! You can't hang like that! It'll never dry. You can't put things on the top and bottom line. They're gonna wear out my line! It's old!"
"Dad just bought you a new line."
"Well, I don't mind if they use my line, but they need to stop abusing it! I can't even say anything to her. She don't speak English."

And for that language barrier, thank God!

Wile E. Coyotes

Recently our suburban county has had some coyote sightings and even attacks. This is definitely out of the ordinary, but Grandma is OBSESSED with it! After the first attack, she read the story in the paper to me. Three times! Grandma reads two newspapers every day. But, she also holds on to the paper for an extra day or two. We know she has trouble with what day it is, so these extra newspapers create a little confusion. She reads them over and over again. So the coyote story? It's the gift that keeps on giving!

Another favorite? This beauty from today's Daily News "Killer Raccoons in Central Park!"

Be careful out there, folks, the animals are going wild! At least you have the heads up from Grandma.