New Development

I came home from the gym tonight to find Grandma watching a show about parkour. Maybe that's how she injured herself?

Watch the Landing

The other day Grandma developed a limp. She says that her right hip is bothering her. I first noticed this when she was heading to bed. She had no recollection of what happened, I didn't see anything happen, and there is no bruising. My guess is that she pulled something.

However, her story keeps changing. First she said that she was going down the front steps and fell at the bottom and landed on her hip. The next day she said she was going down the front steps and lost her balance. She grabbed the fence to steady herself, but it was unlatched, so she swung forward on the fence, then it swung back and she fell on the steps. This is physically impossible with the way the fence latches, but I do like how her story is getting more outlandish. I'm hoping that over the next few days it will expand to include a back flip where she just couldn't stick the landing.

Zac Attack

I was sitting at the table flipping through the current issue of People. It includes a two page spread of Zac Efron pictures, most of which feature him shirtless (Side note, thank you People!). Grandma catches sight of this and goes, "Oooh, nice man." Then she continues, "He must be a Catholic."

"What?"

"He's wearing a chain."

"So?"

"Most Catholics wear chains. He must be Catholic." (I'm Catholic, this is news to me. I better go get some chains).

Grandma examines the magazine (or Zac's abs?) and is convinced. "Yup. The chain's in all the pictures. He's a Catholic." She gives a firm nod to rest her case.

Look closely though. Zac's necklace is not a cross, it's a shark tooth! Either Grandma's eyesight is going or she has a very skewed understanding of Catholicism.

Grandma and the Grammy's

Today my friend Jon sent me an email about Arcade Fire's surprise Grammy win and the chorus of people who've responded, "Who are The Arcade Fire?" His first line was, "I think your grandma's a trendsetter!"

And clearly she is! The aftermath of the Grammy's has left a lot of people saying, "Arcade Fire? Never heard of them!" If Grandma watched the Grammy's she would certainly be in that number. I think she'd also have a comment about how she never saw such haircuts.

The article, in New York magazine, is a really thoughtful analysis of taste and communities and how the internet can build both connections and insularity. This paragraph really stood out for me.

"'Never heard of it': This has been the natural and traditional response of all sorts of ordinary American humans to all sorts of phenomena. It’s not really about knowledge or information. It’s an argument, for the most part, and a faintly aggressive one — a way of insisting that what you pay attention to really does define the world. What you’ve heard of is real, and everything else is marginal. The center holds, and you are that center. You are normal and aware, and not just some tiny atomized entity that can only hope to know one tiny corner of the universe."

I wonder if Grandma's frequent bursts of "Never heard of that!" and its sibling, "I never saw such a thing!" are an attempt to cope with her dementia. Maybe she prefers the assertive "Never heard of it!" to the vulnerability of "Oh, I must have forgotten." As the author suggests, maybe she is defining the world and putting herself in the center, even as the dementia is making her world smaller by the day. She is concerned with the garbage pick-up, if her church is being closed to widen the street, what Aunt Dee has stolen lately, and that she lost 18 pounds. Her brain has fixed on these topics and can't really process anything beyond that. If she can write off my over-the-knee boots, tofu, and "giant" frying pan with a dismissive "Never heard of it!" then I am the weird one and she does not need to acknowledge her diminishing awareness of the world at large.

It's hard to say if Grandma is really aware of her condition. She refuses to admit that she is ever wrong or less independent than she used to be. Her doctor wants her to use a cane. "I don't need it." She refused to wear the Life Alert Aunt Dee bought her, "I won't fall." Even when I've caught her losing or forgetting something she'll say, "I'm not senile, you know." I can't tell if "Never heard of it!" is a defense mechanism or simply a sign of the generational divide.

But, Arcade Fire? They're awesome.

Gossip with Grandma

Grandma loves her tabloids! The other day she was reading one of the gossip pages in the Daily News and loving it! She found Charlie Sheen's latest drama to be hilarious. She was giggling so hard she could barely speak.

"Listen to this! 'Sheen had an epic bender in Las Vegas over the weekend, drinking and partying with three porn stars.' Ha! Can you imagine? That is hot stuff."

She continued, recounting this gem from the fall, "'Sheen's binge with adult film actress Capri Anderson' - never heard of her - 'ended when police hauled him to the hospital.' Isn't that something, ha!"

The paper also featured a quote from Vanilla Ice about his break-up with Madonna in 1992. In this almost 20 year old break up Grandma is solidly on Team Ice. "Oh, she must be some kind of jerk, Madonna. He's a good looking guy, too."

Apparently Grandma loves the bad boys!

Aren't You Fresh?!

Aunt Dee and I often talk about how with Grandma's dementia it's like we've switched places; she's the child while we have to act like her parents. Conditions of dementia include being impulsive, illogical, and irritable. Grandma's favorite things to eat are cheeseburgers, pizza, and donuts. She sleeps at least 12 hours a day and always has the TV on. In other words, she is often like a surly teenager.

Grandma's appetite has been kind of off lately and she weighed in at just 100 pounds at her doctor's appointment. We think she's been forgetting to eat again. Since New Years she's been looking a little peaked and complaining of feeling weak and nauseous. Most of the time she's refused to eat anything more than tea and toast (which I think is the real reason she feels weak, but moving on...). Yesterday I left the house around 5:00pm, so I tried to remind her of dinner.

"I'm going out, Grandma, don't forget to make your dinner."
"Yeah."
"There's a slice of pizza and TV dinners and soup."
"Yeah."
"So you have plenty to eat."
"Jeez, Jammie, I'm not going to starve." She is actually rolling her eyes at me!
And now I have to utter a classic Grandma line, "Don't be fresh!"

She starts cracking up! She is so pleased with her fresh self! She even tries to swat at me for added emphasis.

It's nice to see some of her old spunk back.

Sailors and San Diego

One of the strangest things about dementia is that while Grandma can't remember 30 seconds ago, she can clearly recall World War II. "San Diego" seems to be the trigger that launches her onto this story. So, with Southern California floods making headlines she has been talking a lot about her time at the naval base.

The other day at dinner she mentioned living in San Diego for six months while my grandpa served in the Navy. She worked on the base as a switchboard operator in the hospital.

In her words, "I was lucky to get the job, but I had worked at the telephone company back home. The switchboards used to be on the top floor, but they had to be moved to the basement to protect them. Can you imagine that? In the basement! It was a nice building and we were stuck in the basement! You had to watch out for the rats! They had a bar under the table to put your feet on. So the rats wouldn't get you! And when you got off the tram the sailors would whistle when you walked by. I used to laugh. You know how those damn sailors are. Oh, you would have liked it on the base."

Ab Fab

People Magazine just announced Ryan Reynolds as this year's Sexiest Man Alive. It's been on the news a lot and so have his famous abs.

I think Grandma has a new crush!

She was watching the local news which cut to a shirtless pic of Ryan. I hear her whisper to herself, "Oh my gosh!" They cut back to the hosts, then back to Ryan and his abs. Same reaction. "Oh my gosh!"

But really, can you blame her?

Fall Fling

Grandma has been in a frisky mood lately! While policing the house for unattended lights she spots that I have left my bedroom light on.

She shuffles over to me in the kitchen, very slyly, "Is your boyfriend waiting in the bedroom?"

"Huh, what boyfriend?"

"Then why is the light on?! Turn off the lights! You should see my electric bill!"

Burn!

Today she made another comment about a boyfriend. "What boyfriend? Do you know someone for me?"

"No, I gotta find one for myself!"

Grandma enjoys mysteries, crossword puzzles, recycling, cheeseburgers, pizza, and repeating herself. If you know any eligible nonagenarians, send them her way!

Comedy Central

I'm dusting one of Grandma's fake plants. It's about five feet tall and at least 25 years old. Who knows the last time it's been dusted. It seems to have a never-ending amount of leaves and they all have a solid layer of dust that I'm trying to vanquish.

I'm pretty over this stupid plant and say to Grandma, "You need to take a hose to this thing!"

She replies, "Yeah, I keep forgetting to water it."

Uh oh. This is really bad. Does Grandma really think this plastic monstrosity and dust factory is a living plant? Is that a vision problem or a dementia problem? I look over at Grandma, in her usual spot on the couch. She has a mischievous grin and is practically convulsing trying to keep a straight face! I start laughing, then she starts laughing.

"Dad, did you hear this comedian? Tell him your joke, Grandma."

Grandma is cracking herself up. She can't even repeat her punchline.

"Tell him what you said. It was funny."

Somehow this encouragement gets me a swat for being fresh, which only makes her laugh more.

Sweet Talk

Grandma has been driving me a little crazy lately. In addition to all the normal absurdities and repetitions, some of her new activities include putting foil in the microwave and taking apart the stove. Do you know what happens when you put foil in the microwave? It goes up in flames!!! But, thanks to Grandma's tinkering with the stove I now know how to put a gas burner back in place. That's gotta be a useful skill, right?

Luckily for Grandma, she can be very cute. Spend any amount of time with Grandma and you will know that she's lost a lot of weight, 18 pounds to be exact. She tells everyone she sees, every day. Relatives, neighbors, doctors, hairdressers, waiters. She started telling our handyman, "I lost a lot of weight, you know."
And he could finish her sentence! "18 pounds, right?"

We're trying to get Grandma to eat more and her sweet tooth is often the easiest way to do it. I brought home some cupcakes the other day and they were a hit. One was red velvet. At first it got a big fat "Never heard of it!" but Grandma's curiosity and sweet tooth overpowered that uncertainty. She quickly changed her tune to, "Oh, that's good." The second cupcake was a simple yellow cake with buttercream frosting, but it had the bonus of a little clown face made of sugar. Grandma could not handle it! She kept chuckling, "I never saw something so cute! Where'd you get it?" She did this three times in a row, so clearly it was very exciting.

The cupcakes are gone, so I brought home a tin of chocolate truffles. Grandma found them on the table after her nap. "What are these?"
"Oh, I bought them for you. They're chocolates."
"For me?"
"You like chocolate, right?"
"I love candy!"

Grandma usually expresses all emotion in swats and pats. Some are affectionate, some are because you're being fresh, some are because you just happen to be within swatting range. So what she did next was very unexpected. She gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek and said, "Well thank you. I really appreciate it."

Wax on, wax off

Grandma is cracking herself up! Today she was reading an article about the proposed mosque near Ground Zero. Her article included a list of other businesses in the area and this is where it gets fun.

She reads aloud, "And 17 separate salons where girls can get their lady parts groomed."

"Ha! I didn't even know there was such a thing! This is hot stuff!"

Let's all hope she forgets this article before her next visit to the hair salon.

Jersey Shore!

Today was Grandma's first introduction to the lovable Guidos and Guidettes of Jersey Shore. The front page of the Daily News had a headline of "Snooki Gets Busted." Grandma's response? "Who the hell is Snooki?" I explain that she's on a TV show about the Jersey Shore. "Oh, I used to go to the shore every summer."
"I know you did. You used to take us."
"I liked that. If I had a car, we'd go down to the beach. Wouldn't that be nice?"

Grandma flips to the article to see what kind of trouble Snooki has gotten herself into. Much like she does while watching Maury, Grandma is chuckling at the trash-tastic spectacle. She reads the most interesting parts of the article out loud for my benefit. "She was wearing a t-shirt that said slut. S-L-U-T. Can you imagine?" and "'Disheveled in a garish miniskirt that was tighter than sausage casing.' Ha!"

According to the article, Snooki had been drinking from Thursday night until she passed out on Friday afternoon. Grandma's verdict? "What a jerk! Someone should have hit her over the head!"

Fist pumps to Grandma!

She was clearly entertained by Snooki, so I'm wondering if I should add Jersey Shore to our TV viewing schedule? I'm not sure if she'd be deeply offended or like it as much as she likes Maury!

The Name Game

As we have seen, Grandma is not shy about sharing her opinions. One of the things she is most passionate about is names.

The tenants upstairs (Polish immigrants) have a two year old daughter. They named her Anna and Grandma has been railing about it since the poor girl was born. "What a horrible name! How can they call her that? I'm going to say something to them." My aunt and I try to remind her that it's not her baby so she really has no say in the matter. Besides that, what's wrong with the name Anna anyway? "I used to walk the kids to school and there was a girl named Anna. The boys used to tease her. Anna Banana they'd call her and she would cry and cry!"

This story is a little time capsule in a lot of ways. One, it dates from the 1950s when my dad and Aunt Dee would have been in grade school, yet Grandma remembers it distinctly and tells it at least once a week. Two, I have a cousin named Anna. (This is on the other side of the family. There's no way Grandma would have let one of her kin be named Anna without a fight). We've always called her "Anna Banana" as a term of endearment. It's a cute name and a cute nickname. Three, if "Anna Banana" were such a horrible taunt, I wonder how Grandma would respond to the things I hear at school these days. I imagine a lot of kids would be getting smacks from Grandma!

It doesn't stop with Anna though. Reading about the top 10 names of 2009, Grandma had this to say about Jacob, the number one name for boys 11 years running, "I don't think that's such a hot name." Isabella tops the girls' list, "I don't care for that. Isabelle, maybe, but not Isabella." At number two is Emma. "That's a stupid name. My sister was Emma, but she changed it to Emily." She's equally baffled and disgusted by other names in the top ten like Jayden ("Never heard of it!"), Madison ("For a girl?"), Sophia ("I never liked that"), and Mia ("What kind of a name is that?").

If she has trouble with such common fare as Emma, Jacob, Anna, and Isabella, maybe you can already imagine Grandma's reaction to a photo of Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale with their boys, Kingston and Zuma. "Kingston and Zuma? Z-U-M-A. Where do they come up with these names? What a bunch of jerks!"

Trash TV

Grandma spends a lot of time watching TV. Her favorites are Law & Order and NCIS. She also enjoys Matlock. When she found out that we get TV Land and she could watch Bonanza reruns for two hours straight? Major joy!

But, Grandma has a secret weakness for trashy talk shows. She's always had a penchant for this kind of thing. When she used to take my brothers and I down to the shore, she'd gawk over the National Enquirer headlines as if they were irrefutable facts. Several afternoons I've come home to find her watching Tyra.

So I guess I shouldn't be surprised over this staple of our mornings: Maury. I think her home health care aide might have introduced Grandma to Maury, but she loves it! It's a non-stop parade of screaming, crying, and paternity tests (followed by celebratory dances or sobbing breakdowns). Grandma sits there chuckling at the over-the-top antics and offers these words of wisdom to all Maury show guests, "They need to keep their pants zipped!"

FIFA Fever!

I put on the end of the Germany v. Australia match and Grandma is LOVING it. She seems to be completely amused and amazed by soccer. "They use their heads! One of them is wearing red slippers! Red slippers, can you imagine?"

I see many more games in our future!

Belly Up to the Bar

In her more lucid moments Grandma gets a little embarrassed about forgetting things. I try to lighten the mood by saying, "Have you been drinking again?"

She always laughs and responds, "You're right! I should take up drinking! Then I'd have an excuse."

I think I may have unwittingly planted a seed in her brain because now she seems to be craving booze. We polished off the blackberry brandy awhile ago, so now along with her usual wistful requests for "a nice piece of cake with a lot of icing" she's been starting to talk about cocktails she wants. "Oooh, I'd like a rum and Coke or a rye and ginger. I always liked daiquiris, but you can't drink too many of those."

Sometimes she comments on how tired she is, so I accuse her of being out late and partying with her friend Alice down the block. "Oh no, Alice doesn't drink. I'd always have a highball or a cocktail when I went out, but Alice doesn't drink."

Maybe Grandma and I will host our own party. The menu will include all her favorite things: pizza, McDonald's, strawberry shortcake, and daiquiris. We'll see if we invite Alice.

Happy Earth Day

My grandma is full of cool surprises. For example, I recently learned that she knows (or knew) how to operate a meat slicer! Her father owned a store, so this was one of the skills she learned when she was growing up. She mentioned, rather proudly, that she would always be in charge of slicing at church dinners because none of the other women knew how to.

When I think about environmental problems, like people who don't recycle, I often stereotype them as cranky old people who don't know any better or are just too stubborn to change. But here is another happy surprise from Grandma, she is a fierce recycler! Maybe you already guessed that because of her possessiveness about the recycling calendar, but she is very intense about her eco-responsibilities.

I think a lot of this stems from growing up during the Great Depression. She was born in 1920, so her formative years were dominated by the Depression. She hates waste of any kind. I'm a pretty eco-conscious person, but Grandma puts me to shame! She still uses a clothesline rather than a dryer. She's always scolding me for leaving lights on (even if I'm going right back into the room!) or leaving the faucet dripping. In my defense, I think she is the one who leaves the faucet on, but then she forgets and blames me.

When I moved in and was putting my cleaning products under the sink, I found at least 8 empty glass jars because, "Glass jars are handy. You never know when you'll need one." My dad and I recently cleaned out the pantry. We found a shockingly old bottle (This story deserves its own post. Stay tuned!). The bottle was so old, that I deemed it too gross to even attempt cleaning for recycling. Sorry environment, this one is being sacrificed to the landfill. Grandma saw the glass bottle in the garbage and was not having it. "You can't throw this away! It needs to go in the recycling!" She then spent the better part of a day soaking the jar and scraping out the congealed nastiness so this one little jar could be recycled.

So on this Earth Day, let's all take a lesson from Grandma and do our part.